I have to share this huge moment of vulnerability before I end up glossy eyed again, my son is fast asleep and has no idea that tomorrow will change our routine and lives as we know it. After years of trying on and off, a lockdown pregnancy and eleven months into the best year of my life, I am sat here in disbelief that I am facing the maternity return already. I have been in my own little world with my family for over two years, from lockdown to a beautiful baby, my world went from a global life event to the ultimate life event. This feels like the end of the biggest high but the beginning of something wonderful, and I'm anxious. We brought him home, blinked and here we are, he is starting nursery.
How is it the night before settling in? I think I need this more than he does, everyone tells me he will be fine, and deep down I know he will be, yet I cling to the anxiety and worry that he won't look at me the same way ever again. Will he always smile at me like this? I won't be there to put him down for his naps and feed him everyday. Will my arms continue to be his safe place. It's been bliss knowing he is safe at home with his family and when we do things with him he can search his surroundings to see his mummy and daddy. Will he know that we might not always be there when he is searching but we are coming later on? I have to trust that those perfect months of maternity leave built the trust and emotional connection between parent and child for stability. But, how long does it take to feel stable for this chapter? Do you see the mummy spiral I am in tonight?!
The biggest tip I have heard is to feel the guilt and the emotions that come with his chapter and let it go, are we able to let it go once they giggle at the sight of their new nursery room and friends or does this hurt our feelings more? Does the guilt and worry ever go away? In the same breath, I know mummy's who could not wait to get back to work, how I wish I could take a little bit of that strength tonight. I guess settling in really helps both parents and child, in my case it might help me more!
For all of you parents out there looking at your not so little ones on the night before settling in, or the night before the first big day at nursery, I'll leave some tips I collected during my maternity leave to prepare myself for the big day back to work (who knew I would need it just for settling in!):
Allow yourself to feel guilty but let it go
Talk to your partner and be open
Be open with your managers when the time comes
Start your childcare plan at the pace that suits you
Trust and budgeting is super important for your choice
Make sure you have fun things in the diary as a family to look forward to
Be kind to yourself and to each other
Don't burn yourself out trying to do it all
Find time for yourself and enjoy it
Be honest along the way and reassess if need be
I'll throw in an added bonus that resonates with me, allow yourself to ugly cry from time to time! It's okay to miss those coach cuddles and to look forward to those swimming lessons on a Saturday morning at the same time. Motherhood taught me that you can be both present and nostalgic simultaneously, this wonderful journey taught me so much about myself as a woman and redefined my priorities and what love means to me.
So to my sensational son, thank you for choosing me to be your mother to share this magical time with, and for becoming my biggest teacher. We are well into the rest of our lives, and oh what a ride it will be. Just know, mummy and daddy will always be your safe place and nursery will be a great step into learning other things, but most importantly you are going to learn about yourself.
Let's settle in together, as a family.
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