Babies are exciting, there are no other ways to describe the buzz and joy at the news of a new addition to the family. That said, how often do we think of the parents with the announcement? Do they want visitors straight away? Do they want their newborn baby passed around and kissed? Probably not…
I’ll break it down from my own experience, my son was born 2.5 weeks early. My water broke the weekend we had planned to batch cook and by Monday evening our new family life began. I went from bump to baby in the space of a weekend and whilst it was not formally diagnosed, I know I had postpartum anxiety. This precious little boy was not at optimum temperature, he wasn’t always fed as he was when tucked away in mummy, he was truly in need of his parents around the clock and with all my lists and antenatal classes I still felt overwhelmed and underprepared. The very last thing I wanted was anyone giving me unsolicited advice whilst I waded through my hormones and settled into the life we spent months preparing for. I also couldn’t bear the thought of my baby being passed around, his newborn face being touched and the panic of children holding my little man whilst he just wanted to scrunch up against his mummy and daddy. As the weeks passed and we grew more confident, this or course changed but many parents I speak to wish they had the time to settle into their confidence.
So, as I have shared a little piece of how I felt, I encourage boundary setting as parents-to-be if you have similar feelings about your pending arrival. You need to have this discussion between yourselves so that you remain aligned once your baby is born. Friends and family are completely in love and do this out of love, but the parents’ feelings are often forgotten. Boundaries continue throughout your parenting journey together so it’s better to get comfortable sooner rather than later. I say this because, parenting decisions tend to differ on how we grew up, taking generational and cultural differences into account you may find yourself falling into the trap of not wanting to hurt family members feelings, but not speaking up can hurt you and your partner's feelings longer term. It’s your little family, and your decision on the boundaries and dynamics that you set really do matter above anything else.
Boundaries are the best tools to manage evolving relationships effectively, here’s a little summary on my thought process when I was an expecting:
What was your childhood like? Our upbringing determines our blueprint in how we operate in adulthood in many ways. Are there patterns, cycles, or behaviours that you want to filter out for your parenthood chapter?
Boundaries and dynamics, what’s your learning style? Do you want to give parenting a go your own way, maybe try a little trial and error to see what works for your baby and family or are you happy with advice and suggestions (at times unsolicited). Do you want a little time to settle or are you happy for the company and help? This really is a decision on learning style and the dynamics you both have and want to set going forward.
Revisiting and a little pre-empting based on previous discussions and situations helped me. I am sure you and your partner have discussed certain styles of parenting or things you would do differently when your time comes. Mention how you like things done and that it works for your family. You know what patterns will arise in a group setting and by discussing your boundaries you are already managing potential stressful situations.
Boundaries and discussions on your new dynamic may not be immediately respected but it is important that you remain firm on them in a polite manner. You would not want any conflict with loved ones, but you also do not want conflict and stress at home.
As you navigate through setting boundaries, especially in parenting, know that you are not alone. It can be a stressful situation for many new parents. Especially adult children of immigrant parents.
I am also sharing a simple list of “Newborn Courtesy”, it always starts with asking the parents!
When visiting new parents, ask how they are doing firstly, this really will set the tone of the visit and gives visitors an idea on the mood. The parents may welcome the help and company, or the mummy might be feeling a little blue.
Ask if it is okay to hold the baby but please also try to pick up on nonverbal cues. If the parents have not offered and seem content with the baby where they are. Leave it a while and wait for the offer. Some new parents may not be comfortable but also want to be polite to avoid uncomfortable conversations.
Do not assume that new parents are okay with children holding their newborn, this is a very personal decision and, in some cases, have already been discussed and decided between the parents.
Ask if you can feed the baby or wait for the offer, in many cases parents won’t mind but please avoid swooping in and taking over.
Ask if you can change the baby, again avoid the swooping in approach.
When holding the baby, do not walk away and out of sight with the baby. It can induce anxiety, especially for the mother.
As excited as you might be, if the parents are keeping a hold of the baby, avoid nagging the parents to hold, burp or walk with the baby. This could be new parent anxiety, both baby and parents are vulnerable during the fourth trimester and subtle cues like this should be respected.
Hold the baby properly, if the parents are giving you pointers on how to hold their baby, listen.
I have to throw a final reminder in for new parents on this one as The Mumsultant was birthed from me doing things differently. This is your parenting journey, not your parents, your siblings or anyone else around you. They are the support system. If you have chosen to be a responsive parent and want to parent your way, that is your choice. If you want to soothe and boob baby to sleep, that is your choice. If you want to cuddle the baby whenever they cry and let them feel heard, that is the bond and emotional attachment that is personal to your family.
What others did before you isn’t necessarily for you. This is your story.
Confidence, informed choice, boundaries, and healthy dynamics form the mantra of a Mumsultant home.
I hope this helps the uncomfortable topic on boundaries with a newborn, but do remember my lovelies, you and your partner have also birthed a new version of yourselves that needs to be nurtured. This evolution and growth within your home is a family effort, you will teach little one loads but this baby and parenthood will be your biggest teacher.
Good luck and remember to reach out for a session if need be! XO
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